All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.
As you get closer and closer to a big goal or achievement, you may find yourself questioning your path. Even though it is change you have chosen and worked very hard for, it can still bring up feelings you weren't expecting.
A good example of this for me was when we left our house. I did not want to live there any longer. I didn't like to take care of the yard. The grass got so long it went to seed 3 times. I'm not kidding - you could have baled the grass and fed it to the cows. (The farm girl in me is coming out...). Our neighbors hated us. We were those people that never got out to shovel the sidewalks until other people had tromped through the snow, leaving a treacherous half frozen, bumpy path. I cut the top off of an overgrown bush in the front because we couldn't reach the top to trim it. After a few months of looking like it had over-grown hair, I still didn't have the money to have it removed so I decided to take a handsaw to it. I was determined it would look like a square bush - it didn't, it looked like someone hacked off the top.
The kitchen was 70's orange and there was rainbow shag carpet upstairs. It had amazing woodwork and built-in pillars. It was really charming. The owner before us had loved it dearly. I loved it, too. But - I always felt guilty, we weren't the right people for that home. It was time to go.
We moved to a condo with maintenance-free living. I loved it -- but I still SOBBED the last time I left that house. It was our home for 6 years. A place Neil and I and the pups had loved and grown in. We had been through a lot in our time there. I prepped for my first fitness competition while living there. We owned our retail store while living there. So many big, life-changing moments occurred during our time in that home.
I mourned leaving that version of 'us' behind, even though I was totally ready and thankful for the new version of us that had already started.
Did I second guess my choices to leave? A little. Was I scared? Yes. Did I want to stay? No.
I was surprised I had such strong emotion when I left but I realize now that emotion was evidence that it meant something. The person I had been when I lived in that home - I outgrew her, but I still loved her. I loved the passionate way she lived her life. I loved that she loved her home, even if it wasn't the right one for her. And most of all, I loved that she trusted herself enough to move on and reinvent herself again.